Love quotes and jokes

How would you suffocate a trendy person?  Toss him in the standard.  

How does Moses make tea?  He brews.    

  Why dont researchers trust particles?  Since they make up everything.

A bear strolls into a bar and says, Give me a bourbon and cola.  Why the large interruption? asks the barkeep. The bear shrugged. Im not certain; I was brought into the world with them.  

  Thump! Thump!  Whos there?  Obsessive compulsive person.  Con  Alright, presently you say, Control Freak who?

  " spicy Garlic sauce" Husband: how do you do fine garlic spicy sauce? Wife: while crushing I imagine your face so it become very fine and spicy.

"Santas Gifts" A policeman on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a light on the back of that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top of it."

    "Strange But True" Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Both Presidents were shot by southerners. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Lincoln was shot at the theatre named "Kennedy". Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln"

"Parking Tickets Galore" I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

  "10 Rules For Dating My Daughter" Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electri

"A Mothers Wisdom" John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm

  "Blonde Shopping" What is the difference between a Blonde and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

"Chicken Little" One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

  "The Cowboy, Black Man, and the Native American" THERE WERE THESE THREE MEN, A COWBOY, AN AFRICAN AMERICAN, AND A NATIVE AMERICAN. THEY ALL HAVE BEEN SUMMONED TO A CERTAIN CLIFF BY GOD. THEY ALL MEET, AND GOD APPEARS IN THE SHAPE OF CLOUDS. HE SAYS TO THEM, "STEP FORTH NATIVE AMERICAN," SO HE STEPS UP AND SAYS, "YES FATHER, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DISPLEASE YOU?" GOD SAYS, "YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFETIME, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WISH TO BE, I WILL REINCARNATE YOU INTO THE SPECIFIC ANIMAL AND GIVE YOU ETERNAL LIFE." , SO THE NATIVE AMERICAN JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF AND SHOUTS," I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE!" ONE SECOND LATER, AN EAGLE GLIDES AWAY INTO THE BLUE HORIZON. NEXT WAS THE BLACK MAN. GOD SAYS, " YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOU LIFE, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WIS

  "Aids or Cancer" An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy t

  "Men And Childbirth" What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

  "head and sholders" A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator . After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders" The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"

  "Emergency" A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

  "Blonde Shopping" What is the difference between a Blonde and a shopping trolley? A shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

  "The Cowboy, Black Man, and the Native American" THERE WERE THESE THREE MEN, A COWBOY, AN AFRICAN AMERICAN, AND A NATIVE AMERICAN. THEY ALL HAVE BEEN SUMMONED TO A CERTAIN CLIFF BY GOD. THEY ALL MEET, AND GOD APPEARS IN THE SHAPE OF CLOUDS. HE SAYS TO THEM, "STEP FORTH NATIVE AMERICAN," SO HE STEPS UP AND SAYS, "YES FATHER, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DISPLEASE YOU?" GOD SAYS, "YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFETIME, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WISH TO BE, I WILL REINCARNATE YOU INTO THE SPECIFIC ANIMAL AND GIVE YOU ETERNAL LIFE." , SO THE NATIVE AMERICAN JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF AND SHOUTS," I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE!" ONE SECOND LATER, AN EAGLE GLIDES AWAY INTO THE BLUE HORIZON. NEXT WAS THE BLACK MAN. GOD SAYS, " YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOU LIFE, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WIS

  "The Brain men and women" A Girl was in the hospital, her parents sat waiting in the waiting room...finally the doctor comes out. Both parents jump up, and the whole room watches. "Is it serious?" the mom asked. "She needs a brain transplant" the doctor replies. Both parents stand silent for a moment...then the father asks, "How much is it gonna cost?" The brain? Girl's are 450 dollars, and boy's are 5,800dollars" All the men in the room seem to chuckle to themselves, then finally the fatherbrings himself to ask, "Why are the boys more expensive than the girl's?" THe doctor looks at him and replies, "We have to mark the girl's down because they're used."

  "Jail Break" there are 3 women who escape form a jail. a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They see 3 potato sacks on the edge of the road, and each jumps in one to hide from the police. 2 officers see the sacks "lets check these sacks" the first one says. he kicks the redhead's sack, "Meow!" she says "nothing but a cat in this one then he kicks the brunette's, "Woof!" she says, "Nothing but a dog in this one! he kick's the blonde's sack "Po-ta-to!"

  "imagine..." Q. imagine you're in a haunted house with monsters and ghosts surrounding you....how do you survive? A. stop imaging!

  "Talking Centipede" A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is �50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, an

  "Rules For Women" RULES FOR WOMEN We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail

  "Grass Cutting" One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house, it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

    "smart lollies" Q how do you confuse a blond? A. draw a circle and tell her to sit in the corner

  "Rabbits Revenge" Rabbit's Revenge Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other guts. One day whilst arguing in the forrest, the bear lost his temper and kicked an old lamp that had been left by campers. To their surprize a genie popped out and granted them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." His wish was granted. The Genie turned to the rabbit who said "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish. "And for your second wish bear?" Demanded the genie, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." He got his wish. The rabbit without delay took his second wish, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." "Final wish bear!" Bellowed the genie. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." After having his wish grante

 

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